I don’t have too many pet peeves but among those that I do possess is a dislike of being badgered by anyone who insists on changing aspects of who I am. Don’t get me wrong. I fully understand that I can always use a bit of self improvement here and there but I find it quite irritating whenever someone has the audacity to critique my lifestyle and then force unsolicited advice upon me. These individuals are so certain that they have all of the right answers that they are unwilling to even consider that there might be room in this world for differences of opinion. They are like barbarians at the gate with their argumentative style of inflicting themselves on others. They just won’t let go until they have bullied the people in their locus of control into changing. They often search for those that they think they might dominate and then launch their offensives. They are bullies and their tactics are emotionally abusive. 

We observe such sorts everywhere. Unfortunately sometimes we find ourselves working for someone who has the management skills of Attila the Hun. These bosses wield a hammer and demand compliance from all of their underlings. They masquerade in public as visionaries and have learned how to spot altruistic individuals who want to make a difference in the world. They lure people into their webs and then make working life miserable for them unless they bow down. Luckily I’ve only worked for such individuals a couple of times but that was more than enough. Those of us trapped for a time under their rule were miserable. I was generally able to fake it and to stay out of their way until I had once again earned my freedom. Unfortunately it was not always so for some of my co-workers who suffered mightily under a reign of management terror. Once in a great while I felt compelled to speak up for the downtrodden and then I was in for a world of hurt. Sometimes we just have to do something rather than remaining silent even when we know that we will be severely punished. Working in such places under such people is an horrific experience. Luckily I was always able to extricate myself rather quickly but I always grieved for those whom I left behind.

Sometimes we too late find ourselves in a relationship with an individual who simply won’t let up with judgements, criticisms, and demands until we either agree to change or feel compelled to end the association. I know so many people who ultimately had to become estranged from spouses, parents, in-laws, children, siblings because the situation was so toxic. Sadly it never has to be that way if only everyone involved is willing to follow the recent advice of Pope Frances to just live and let live. The sad thing is that when someone becomes overbearing and domineering there is too often no way to actually communicate with them. I have listened to grieving friends who never wanted to make a break but ultimately understood that they were never going to be whole again until they permanently extricated themselves from the presence of the dominating person. 

Perhaps the saddest aspect of such situations is that there is always more loss involved with ending an abusive relationship than one might expect. Human nature is such that people often choose sides. Those who are the bullies have learned over time how to insnare others with charm and a false facade. In other words, they are hypocrites who bear a public face that is the polar opposite of whom they really are. The unknowing are tricked into believing that the individual who has been the most battered is actually the offender. In the eyes of those who don’t have the full back story the real victim becomes the tyrant. Thus the person who flees the situation in self defense may become derided and isolated by well meaning ignorance of the facts. Perhaps the only positive aspect of this all too common phenomenon is that it definitely allows those who have been hurt to learn the identity of their truest and most loyal friends.

We all have sets of core beliefs, guiding principals that in many ways define who we are. None of us is perfect. Most of us are willing to admit that we are works in progress. We do our best and sometimes fail. We are constantly reflecting and seeking to become better persons. We sometimes even actively seek the advice of those who seem to possess wisdom or experience. We understand that in certain situations, particularly those associated with work, there will be critiques of our performance. What none of us need is to have an overbearing hypocrite badgering us at every turn. If being with someone consistently leaves us feeling threatened or depressed or insignificant then there is a strong possibility that the problem is not with us but with the other person.

Whenever we find ourselves anxious and continually distressed because of the way we are being treated by a particular individual we sometimes are more prone to initially question ourselves. Our dilemma becomes especially painful if the one who is violating us is generally loved and admired by the public. It is so difficult to ultimately rise up and assert ourselves but whenever we do there is a glorious sense of freedom. In some cases, however, the bully becomes a stalker who will not let up. Those are the most difficult and poisonous situations. I have known individuals who literally felt that they had to move far away to ultimately escape from the horror. In one case of which I am aware the person’s entire family turned against him save for a select few who had gleaned the truth. 

I would say to those who find themselves being manipulated, emotionally tortured, or dominated by another that there really is hope. You just have to have enough strength and belief in your self worth to move on from anyone who is unwilling to love and accept you just as you are. Whether it is a bad boss, an abusive spouse, a disloyal friend, a demanding parent, if an individual continually causes you unremitting pain you simply need to excise him/her from your life. It will probably be frightening and maybe even cause you to lose the friendship of people whom you thought to be your friends. The pay off is that eventually you will be able to lead your life as you see fit and you will realize that you are suddenly happy again. 

Any counselor will tell you that if someone who is harming you emotionally is unwilling to even attempt to see and accept who you are without a total redo of your personality, then it is unlikely that their behavior will ever change. Very good people sometimes stay in horrific situations simply because they think that they must do everything possible to keep the relationship intact, even if that means bearing unbearable pain. To them I say, “You have fought the good fight and lost many times over. Nobody expects you to become a puppet to a master whose only goal is to dominate you.”

Most of us are truly good people. Because our own beliefs are mostly compassionate and pure we find it difficult to imagine someone who is somehow so disturbed or damaged psychologically that he/she must have total control. We try and try to work with such persons and too often punish ourselves for not being able to somehow cope with the bullying. We all need to understand that sometimes we just have to cut bait and run. We all need to trust and support those who assure us that this is the only acceptable course of action. We never know when we may encounter wolves in sheep’s clothing. We need to be ready for them. They smile and smile while ruining lives. There is nothing wrong with simply leaving them and moving on to a place where we feel good again. Sometimes it really is the only option that we have.