My mother used to call me on her phone at least once a day. I have to admit that there were times when I was quite busy and so tired that I felt irritated about having to pause to hear whatever was on her mind. It’s funny how we humans often don’t value what is the best of our lives until it is gone. So it was with my mom’s daily attempts to check in with me. 

I seem to miss her more and more as time goes by. My brothers tell me that I am now the matriarch of the family and somehow that title does not seem to fit. I have tried to fill the very big shoes that were my mother’s and find myself coming up short again and again. I don’t know how she juggled so much in a single day but somehow she managed to keep in touch with me and my brothers and all of her siblings while still tending to her necessary routines. 

Another annoying habit that Mama had was just showing up on my driveway where she would honk her horn to announce her arrival. I have to admit that it embarrassed me again and again but each time she came seemed to soothe my worries and get me back to normal. Somehow she sensed when I needed her and just came rather than bothering to ask if it would be okay. 

I remember thinking that my neighbors must have wondered why she made her arrival so public but I later learned that they delighted in hearing the sound of her horn. They told me that sometimes they went outside just to be able to chat with her a bit before she entered my home. They ended up missing her impromptu visits as much as I ultimately did.

My mother had a way of reading the tea leaves that told her how my brothers and I were doing. She seemed to understand us better than we understood ourselves. She had a gift when it came to people and I often thought that she would have been an excellent nurse. She was always so calm and understanding when visiting folks in the hospital or a nursing home. Everyone loved her and brightened up in her presence. 

My mother never went to someone’s home without a small gift of some kind. Many of the things that she brought seemed a bit strange at first but every item became magically useful after she left. I still keep rolls of stamps in a small container that she presented one day. We sleep with the sound of the fan that was another of her gifts. Many times she bought extra sale items at the grocery store to share with me and my brothers even after we were all working and doing well financially. 

My mother thrived on having visitors in her home. She always had something in the freezer that she might prepare even when we came by without announcing our arrival. She’d make hamburgers or whip together an omelet. Her coffee pot was ready when anyone knocked on her door. They might be there for the purpose of checking on her once she became elderly but once they were inside her home she became the ultimate hostess ready to listen to all of their cares and woes. 

My mother died in 2011 and I was relieved at the time to know that she did not suffer long with the lung cancer that took her away. At first I felt that the burden of caring for her had been lifted from me and my brothers but over time I saw what we were really missing in her absence. I realized that even when she was sick she managed to care for us in ways so subtle that we hardly noticed them at the time. 

I suppose I would not want her to have to grieve over the losses of so many people who have followed her into the afterlife. I would not want her to have to worry about my brothers who have Parkinson’s disease. I have little doubt that she would have found the times of Covid quite difficult and her big heart would have cried out for all the souls suffering around the world. It really is a good thing that she is resting in peace but I sometimes selfishly wish that I might sit with her once again. 

I take my role as matriarch seriously even as I know that I have yet to be as wonderful as my mother always was in that role. I often feel overwhelmed and in need of the guidance and wisdom that she always gave me, I hope that she knows how much we all cherished her generosity and never ending love. Because she was so intuitive I suspect that she always understood that we cared quite deeply even as we busied ourselves in the world a bit too much. 

Growing older is not for sissies. We encounter more sorrow and pain but know that we still have emotional work to do with our family and friends and even people that we do not know. It’s good to have an idea of how to act even if we see ourselves as lacking in the incredible skills of someone like my mother. I try to be my best just like I believe she would want me to be  even as I am not as gifted as she was. My mother’s love ran so deeply and we are all the better for being the recipients of her joy.