Since the death of my mother in 2011 my brothers have called me the matriarch of the family. It is a title that I don’t wear easily because both my mother and my mother-in-law were such incredible women that I can’t fathom myself being in their orbit. Still I know that as the oldest woman in the family I bear that title like a reluctant queen inheriting a destiny that does not exactly feel right.
Now that my father-in-law has died some will say that my husband, Mike, is the new patriarch. In many ways I think that he actually earned that title long ago. He has been caring very respectfully for my father-in-law for many years now. When my father-in-law remarried when he was in his seventies he embarked on a years long honeymoon with his bride. During that time my husband quietly kept things running for the family at large. It is as though he has practiced being responsible for many years. When his father came to live with us my husband was the caretaker in chief who continually helped his father with virtually every aspect of life. I suppose that Mike is more ready to officially accept the title of patriarch even as it does not seem to fit his idea of his role as a person.
The big difference in how Mike will carry out his duties is that he does not see his responsibilities as authoritarian. His goal has always been to work in tandem with his daughters and grandchildren to honor them as the adults that they are. He respects their wishes and wants to support their dreams. He views them as the hope for the future and sees himself as an assistant for them rather than someone who wants to influence their thinking.
The modern world requires every person to be capable of thinking deeply and critically and Mike is a proponent of that model of living. He likes to engage his family in discussions in which nobody wins or loses. Every idea is acceptable and honored. He is simply waiting in the wings in the event that someone requires his help or asks for his advice. He views himself as a loving supporter of each individual’s dreams.
One thing that both Mike and I have realized is that each person in our family is incredibly unique. Every individual is also genuinely loving of every other member. We may voice our differences and openly and politely discuss them but at the end of the day we do not expect to foist them on each other. We understand that our personal belief systems are the result of every interaction that we have with what we see and read and hear and believe. In the end it is up to those of us who are older is to have enough wisdom to accept that the world is changing and that most of those changes are actually quite good. Going back to the old ways of doing things and then attempting to force them on the rest of the family is unhealthy.
Back in the day we were indeed taught to be seen and not heard around the adults who raised us. We were taken to church and sent to schools that provided us with moral training. As we grew in wisdom and age and grace we realized that in almost every situation young people have a voice and it is important that we provide them with an opportunity to speak their minds without humiliating them or chiding them.
During the last years of his life my father-in-law came to live with me and his son. Each afternoon we sat down at the kitchen table and embarked on discussions over a glass of wine. It was a habit that he had followed for years and we honored him by providing that moment for him. During our conversations he provided his own wisdom but eventually began asking us what we thought about things. I watched him change form someone who believed that he should be in charge to someone who trusted us to do things our own way. I felt his blessing and approval of who we were as people.
At times he began to ask us for advice and to speak of the old ways to relate that he saw much of his youth and even adulthood as being limiting to the young. He was delighted to develop new ways of looking at the world. He became more and more open-minded and in the process our relationship as honored equals elevated our mutual admiration of each other.
So now that Mike and I have been dubbed as patriarch and matriarch we must do as we believe and open our hearts and minds just as my father-in-law was ultimately so generous to do. Our children and grandchildren are beautiful and brilliant and have so much to teach us. Our journey together is going to be so much fun.
