I suppose that I have been a stoic for most of my life. As a child who lost her father at the age of eight I am certain that I struggled for many years before finally coming to grips with what had happened. I threw myself into studying and following a schedule that kept my mind busy from the time I woke each morning until I fell into bed at night. It was a routine that I tended to follow for most of my life whenever troubles or losses occurred.
Life is filled with difficulties. Nobody is immune to them. I felt that I had conquered the fears and feelings that seem to appear during difficult moments. I was able to find ways of coping with even the most distressing challenges that came my way even as those who knew me well often counseled me to take a break from being the strong person in the room.
In May of 2011, my mother died the day after I officially retired from teaching in Texas public schools. I knew that she had cancer and that tough days were ahead but it had never dawned on me that she would leave this earth so quickly after the diagnosis that had led me to leave the work that was so entangled with my ability to manage my own emotions.
The years following my mother’s death were riddled with one challenge after another that I somehow overcame again and again. I expressed my bereavement in the face of losing her by writing a book that told her story. it is finished but somehow I have never quite figured out how to publish it for the public. In many ways writing it was the therapy that I used to express the deep feelings roiling inside of me.
So much more happened between 2011 and the present. There were many more deaths of people who played an intricate role in my story. I have the scars on my heart from the loss of them but also treasure the impact that they had in making me the person that I am today. I used tutoring and teaching homeschooled children to ease the sorrow that I felt with each loss of the world that I had always known.
The roll call of friends and relatives leaving this earth has continued unabated. In the meantime life kept throwing curveballs my way. I knew with each occurrence that I was no more and no less impacted by such things than every other person that I know. We all have to face difficulties and for some they are even worse than anything that I have ever had to endure. I kept myself busy doing whatever needed to be done with a determined stoicism. With my inner strength I got through a devastating flood in my city, two heart surgeries performed on my husband, my own injuries and surgeries, the Covid pandemic that left me isolated and worried, the diagnosis of Parkinson’s disease with both of my brothers, and eventually a five year project of caring for my aging father-in-law.
I thought that I was tough enough to keep it all together no matter what happened and for the most part I was right. Then my father-in-law died. I had to cancel my tutoring and teaching sessions to make arrangements for his funeral and burial. I told myself that I was ready for his passing because he had been severely ill for ten months. He was suffering and I did not want that for him so I truly believed that I would be ready to carry on without interruption as soon as the formalities of his dying were over.
A sweet and wise man whose daughter I tutor suggested to me that I take time to find grace before returning to work. He insisted on giving me extra time off. I assured him that if he changed his mind I would be ready because for the seventy years after my father’s death I have always been ready. It surprised me to know that he was right and I was wrong.
On the afternoon of the burial ceremony my husband and I came home and I felt weary. I decided to give myself the gift of doing nothing for the rest of the day. By the afternoon I needed to nap, something that I rarely do. I fell asleep quickly and somehow during that time the last fifteen years streamed through my mind like a movie. I relived every challenging moment and realized that I had stifled my feelings far too long. Tears came and with them the understanding that the grace that I needed was to admit to my own humanity and acknowledge that each of the stresses had taken something important out of me. I felt a relief in being truthful with myself in a way that I had attempted to cover in the past.
I spent the evening grieving not just for my father-in-law but for all of the people that I had lost or watched as they dealt with horrific situations. I understood the human need to process sorrow and finally indulged in allowing myself to feel weak and exhausted.
We all need moments to find the grace to admit to being frail and uncertain about the slings and arrows that overtake each and every one of us. There is a time for being brave and a time for admitting how broken we may feel. Grace helps us to begin the process of healing.
I suspect that I will be forever grateful to that man who seemed to understand what I would need after my most recent loss. I want to share his wisdom to everyone that I know. As we walk through life there will be an ebb and flow of good and bad times. We don’t always have to be in control of our feelings. Sometimes the very best thing we might do is to let our emotions guide us through the perils of life. Stoicism only delays the inevitable. Sooner or later we have to be honest with ourselves. Life can be trying and each challenge or loss deserves the grace to endure it properly.
