Author: Sharron Burnett

This is an exhausting time of year for students, parents and teachers, especially those in middle school and high school. It is as though everything is converging at once. Not only are there midterm exams, but anyone taking a course in music or dance is no doubt involved in presenting a concert or performance. Then there are tons of projects coming due as well. Seniors in high school also have to meet deadlines for applications to universities. Many teachers develop ideas for special days or plays that require students to come to school in costumes.

While all of this sounds good on paper, when it is all put together in one moment in time you have students losing sleep and parents stressing out trying to help them across the holiday finish line. Without cross communication nobody appears to notice just how overwhelming it all is for everyone. Even worse is when well-intentioned teachers assign more reading and projects for the students to complete over the Christmas break, thus assuring that it won’t be much of a vacation for the family. 

The usual response that I hear when I bring up such things is that kids need to be prepared for college and real life which will be even busier. While I agree that the ultimate outcome from education should make certain that youngsters have learned the skills of balancing sometimes unrelenting workloads with leisure, I would note that even college students are allowed to totally rest during the winter break. Once they have turned in their papers, projects and exams they are done until the next semester begins, usually three or four weeks later. So it is with employees as well. Vacation time is usually just that, a time to rest and relax completely. Even teachers are mostly able to design their duties in such a way that they are able to set aside all thoughts of grading and planning until they return from the holidays. It is often not so for middle and high school students. By default, this situation crimps the plans of parents as well.

Never once during my decades of teaching did I send my students home for the holidays with an assignment. I already knew that they were most likely to wait until the eleventh hour to haphazardly do such work, so there was little point in ruining their fun and relaxation. I understood that families travel, plan special events, have visitors, and just like to spend time together over the winter break. I always believed that it was perhaps even more important to the development of young people to spend quality time with family and friends than completing math problems. 

I sense that everyone is somewhat exhausted at this time of year. It’s difficult to focus on the meaning of the season when people have to race from one practice to another, attend multiple events and also be up to speed on homework, studying for tests and completing special projects. Such things may look good on the outside but it seems to me that we have less and less quiet time with our families or special friends.We are rushing about much too often. Many of the Christmas meltdowns and disagreements come from the frustrations of being incredibly tired. 

We seem to want to create perfection at Christmas time. We busy ourselves with so many tasks that everyone feels a bit anxious and stressed. Then we wonder why our children are crying and/or pitching fits. We become our own caricatures of the families in Christmas Vacation or Elf. We lose sight of why we are even celebrating. 

I think we would do well to dial things back. We don’t have to fill every minute of every day with either fun or work for our children. They often learn some of the very best lessons when left to their own imaginations. It’s nice to allow them moments to decide on their own what they want to do, even if that means catching up on their sleep or walking aimlessly during a day now and again. Everything does not need to be a party or a reason for costumes or decorations. 

I teach a family of children who speaking glowingly of a gigantic bingo game hosted by their grandparents that happens every Christmas. They spend the holiday just laughing and playing with dozens of cousins. There is nothing fancy about it, but it creates precious memories simply because it is dedicated to just loving each other without worries about work or things that must be done. I wonder as a teacher how often we unwittingly interfere with the joy of such things by burdening our students with unnecessary work. 

Childhood goes by quickly. If we blink our kids are all grown up and working everyday, sometimes faraway. We need to insist that when it is holiday time we provide them with the freedom to be away from all the demands that we place on then during the rest of the year. Let them have fun, most especially when they are teens. Soon enough they will be bearing the responsibilities of being and adult. We don’t need to deck the halls all of the time.

My husband’s mother died just before Christmas about eighteen years ago. She was a force of nature with unparalleled wisdom and compassion. We were devastated by her death because she was like unbreakable glue holding our family together. Sadly she never met the youngest of her great grandchildren and of those that she doted on while she was alive only two were old enough to actually remember her. 

We muddled through the Christmas season that year, celebrating in the ways that had become our routine, but it all felt quite strange and flat without her. Over time we moved forward with our lives just as we humans must do. Now her life and essence are but memories for us that brighten our hearts as we recall the fantastic woman that she always was. 

I suppose that I have thought more about her this Christmas season than ever before. Two of the grandchildren that she did not get to meet are now eighteen years old and preparing to graduate from high school and head to college next fall. One of them is the only girl in the pack of six boys, and that young woman is so much like her great Granny that it almost boggles my mind. 

My mother-in-law, Mary, was a brilliant woman with a strong will. She was one of those people who suffered no fools. She had once dreamed of becoming an interpreter and moving to Washington D.C. or New York City to work with the power brokers of the political world. She was a student of many things including history, religion, and government. She had an uncanny business sense and had no qualms about standing up to men even in an era when women were sometimes thought to be little more than caretakers for their husbands. 

Mary was born with a heart defect and had been told by doctors that she would probably die before she was thirty. She was advised to never have children because of her damaged heart. She defied the predictions on both points. With extraordinary medical measures she delivered a son who was the light of her world. She lived for seventy-six years, long enough to gain a bit more longevity by having open heart surgery when she was in her forties. 

Mary never got to the halls of power with her linguistic talent, but she made a mark on the places where she worked as a bookkeeper and accountant. She was a defender of civil rights and women’s issues in the pioneering days. She read voraciously about philosophies and religions. She attended continuing education classes and Rice University where she had once been a student. There she learned about political currents and historical impacts on our world. In conversations she predicted much of what is actually happening across the globe today and particularly in our country. 

When I hear people spouting ridiculous commentaries about Covid 19, vaccines, mask mandates and the innocence of the attack on the Capitol on January 6, I can envision Mary raising one of her eyebrows and quietly refuting every hoax and lie in a quiet but commanding tone. I can practically recite what she might say because she had discussed such things with me for a very long time.

Mary was a Republican of the old school, a fiscal conservative who had rather liberal views of most social issues. She was proud of her support for candidates like Ronald Reagan but I cannot even imagine her voting for Donald Trump. She had no tolerance for the kind of beliefs that he pandered. She would no doubt have been dubbed a RINO, Republican In Name Only, but would have believed that those who follow Trump were the ones who had deviated from Republican ways. 

She would have also insisted that everyone follow the guidance of doctors rather than being mislead by propaganda and politicians. She gave much credit to the physicians who had helped her to lengthen her time here on earth. She followed their directives to the letter excepting the time when she decided to risk pregnancy. She had great faith in the modernization of medicine that had extended her life in a way that had been unimaginable when she was a child back in the nineteen twenties and thirties. 

Mary would have adored all of her great grandchildren as well as her two granddaughters who have proven themselves to be the kind of woman that she hoped they would be. She would have been particularly delighted by her great granddaughter, Abigail, for in Abby she would have seen a reflection of herself. Abby, at the age of eighteen, is a strong woman with a plan for living life on her own terms. She wants to eventually study law and use her talents and her influence on the national stage just as Mary once dreamed of doing. Abby is a kind of reincarnation of Mary with her dogged independence and grit. Like here great grandmother, Abby is highly intelligent and persuasive with her arguments about what the future of the world should be. Sometimes I wonder how it is possible for someone to be so much like one of her ancestors.

Somehow Mary’s spirit is filling my rooms, my thoughts and my heart this Christmas season. I wish she were here with us again, if only for a day or a few hours. I have so much I want to say to her, so much I want to ask her. I suppose that she is telling me that she taught me all that I need to know. She always looked to the future while treasuring and learning from the truths of the past. She would urge me to encourage Abby and all of my grandchildren to seek knowledge and justice just as she so brilliantly did. 

There are presents for everyone under my tree, but my time with Mary will always be one of the greatest gifts of my life. I hope that I will be able to adequately pass down her beliefs and her spirit to all of her descendants. They have much of which to be proud in the stories and facts of her life. Memories of her make this season bright.  

After my father died way back in 1957, my mother taught me how to always be cautious and aware of my surroundings whenever and wherever I happen to be. We did not have cameras and alarms on our home back then, but we secured our doors with various mechanisms that would thwart a home invasion long enough for us to escape from harm by leaving the house through our bedroom windows. At least, that was the training that Mama gave us. She told us that we could not stay isolated at home just because we did not have a father to defend us, but that we could have lots of fun going places if we followed a few rules of caution. She constantly instructed us in her rules of survival which we faithfully followed. Luckily we never encountered a dangerous situation but we ready ready if need be. Eventually my mother’s feeling of security was stretched to its limits after her home was broken into multiple times while she was at work. Once she had lost everything of monetary value to theft, she chose to move to a neighborhood that was a bit safer. 

My mother made me continually aware of my surroundings. I was taught to notice the people around me and to take note of how they were acting. If I was driving and it felt as though someone was following me, she told me to find a crowded place to drive to so that I would be among people. She also noted that when possible I should avoid deserted streets and dark places whenever I was alone. I think my observational skills were honed because of her preemptive ways of living in the world. 

On one occasion when I was in New Orleans with a group of friends I realized that we were being tracked by a couple of men whom I feared were preparing to make a move to rob us or even worse. I told my group that we needed to have a race back to the hotel and that a prize would be given to the winner of the contest. Everyone ran laughing and having a good time while I noted as I glanced back over my shoulder that the men who had been following us were running as well. When we were all safely in the lobby of the hotel the two men rushed up to the glass doors and saw that their opportunity to mug us was gone. They stared at us with anger and then turned and walked away. When I told my friends what I believed had just happened they were stunned, but understood that my observations may have saved us all. 

Our world has always had people who choose to engage in illegal and violent acts. With the stresses caused by the continuing pandemic there seem to be more of those sort around us than ever before. I am continually on alert wherever I am, just as my mother taught me to be so long ago. I learned not to draw attention to myself when I go about my journeys around town. I try not to have a habit of leaving and returning my to my home with routine regularity. I have heavy locks on my doors, cameras installed in several places and an alarm system that I set when I am gone and when I go to sleep at night. These are extra precautions that weren’t available to my mother. Otherwise I follow her homespun but brilliant guidance when I am out and about.

I lock my car even if I am only going to dash in and out of a particular situation. I don’t leave anything visible that might tempt someone to break in. I glance around and even under my automobile as I am approaching it to leave. These habits are instinctive because I have been doing them for decades. Even when I visit the cemetery to bring flowers and prayers for my departed relatives I lock the doors when I leave the car and always bring another person with me so that I will not become an easy target for someone up to no good. 

I write about these things because the incidence of crimes has become more common in the months since we have broken out of our isolations during Covid. We read about robberies and assaults and our responses sometimes lead us to fear going places when a few precautions will lessen the probability of being the victim of an attack. While we can never be totally sure that nobody will assault us, we can certainly make such scenarios a bit less likely if we are aware of our surroundings. 

I do not carry a gun even though it is perfectly legal in the place where I live. I tend to believe that carrying a weapon, unless someone is highly trained, will lead to even bigger problems. As a woman I have always had to be conscious of every person around me. So far I have been lucky, but I know that I am not immune to criminal activities anymore than my mother who in spite of her constant vigilance ended up being robbed numerous times. I simply suggest that a few precautions may actually dissuade someone who is looking for trouble. 

So here is a small list:

Keep doors on homes and cars locked at all times.

Use cameras and alarms if you feel that they will make a difference to your safety.

Keep outdoor lights on at night.

Lock gates that provide access to your backyard.

Be especially careful after leaving a bank.

Always travel with enough gasoline in your car to take you home safely. 

Do not leave items on display in cars.

Watch surroundings carefully.

Walk with deliberation when entering and exiting public places.

Look under and inside your car before getting inside.

Avoid deserted areas if alone.

Travel with a companion at night.

Have a plan for either exiting the house or securing yourself in a safe place in the event of a home invasion.

If you are well trained in the use of a gun you will have to be serious if you choose to use it. Consider the consequences of such a decision long before a dangerous situation arises.

If someone is following you, hurry as quickly as possible to a crowded place.

Do not open your doors to strangers.

Get a dog and leave that dog inside your home, especially when you are alone or at night.

Try not to have a regular routine of doing things that someone watching might observe. 

I probably haven’t thought of everything, but once you begin observing the world around you, it will become second nature to always be aware and safe. It’s not a paranoid way of living in the world, but one that will actually provide more freedom and sense of security. My Mama always said that we had to be able to live and enjoy the world, but we had to do so with caution. She was a very wise woman. 

I once had a friend who had become a widow at an early age. She had four small children and was unsure of how she was going to provide a stable life for them. Her parents had a big house with many empty rooms, so they suggested that my friend bring her brood there, at least until she would be able to map out a plan for the rest of her life. As time went by, it was apparent that the situation was more than satisfactory for everyone, and so my friend stayed put in her parents home. 

Eventually my friend was working and contributing greatly to the expenses of the big extended family. Her children grew and left the nest one by one. Her parents became old and less able to care for themselves and my friend kept them safe and comfortable. It was a wonderful arrangement filled with much love. My friend’s tradition from recipient of her parents support to main caretaker for her parents was smooth and mutually beneficial to everyone. 

I’ve witnessed a number of situations in which people that I know have cared diligently and lovingly for their aging or ill parents. It has been an inspiring thing to watch them devoting so much of their time to their mothers or fathers in a kind of reciprocity of love. In a time when so many elderly are left to their own resources, it is uplifting to see how much goodness is happening all around us. 

My friend Linda made the art of caring for her mother into a masterpiece. For many years her routine was defined by daily visits to her mother’s nursing home every single morning, lunchtime and evening. She made certain that every aspect of her mother’s care was in order from dawn until her mom went to sleep at night. She literally became friends with the people who worked to make her mother safe and secure, often bringing them generous tokens of her appreciation. I marveled at Linda’s steadfast goodness, but it did not surprise me because she has always been the quintessential essence of thoughtfulness.

More recently I have watched Cristel, the daughter of one of my dear friends, making daily visits to her mother who suffered from a stroke just before the Covid pandemic began. While the rest of us were worrying about the virus, Cristel was teaching school each day and then donning robes, masks, face shields and gloves in the evening to spend time with her mom. While she sometimes mentions how tired she is, she never suggests that taking care of her mother is making her weary. I am continually impressed with her faithful routine of making her mother happy with gifts of milkshakes and stuffed animals and humor. 

A high school friend had an horrific accident this year that resulted in damage to his brain. His whole world was turned upside down and his daughter, Rachel. immediately came to his rescue. She became his voice with doctors and therapists. She found her father and his wife a place to stay where they would be assisted with their transition necessitated by their medical emergencies. She helped to sell her father’s home and set up a special Facebook page to keep all of her father’s friends informed of his progress and setbacks on his road to recovery. Somehow she did all of this while being a new mom. Her energy and enthusiasm for her task has literally taken my breath away. I admire her so greatly because most people as young as she is do not have to take on such tremendous responsibilities.

I have another friend, Paula, who delights in watching over her mother. She joyfully posts photos of her frequent visits to the care facility where her mom resides. Like the others, Paula devotes much of her time to maintaining a loving and healthy environment for her mother. All the while she does it with a smile and a sense of appreciation rather than duty.

My daughter’s mother-in-law lost her husband a while back. She has been adjusting well since his death, but recently her daughter, Terri, who used to live nearby moved about an hour or so away from her. Terri, has a great deal of land on her new property and so she has been trying to convince her mom to build a little casita there so that as her mom ages she will be close enough that Terri will be able to care for her. During the Thanksgiving holidays Terri and her mother met with an architect and chose a design for the little house that will soon be a new home in a delightful plan for the future. 

As someone who spent forty years caring for my own mother, I know how all consuming such  responsibility can be. It is often a frustrating experience as well, but in the end there is so much peace of mind in knowing that the person you so love is getting the care the he or she deserves. I was not quite as saintly and positive as the friends that I have written about. There were times when I wanted to run away from it all. My admiration for the wonderful women that I have noted in this blog is boundless. It makes me happy to see their magnanimous spirits in a world that sometimes seems not to care. To me they are a gift to all of us with their example of how things should be done. I celebrate their goodness each time I see yet another reminder of their love.

It’s that time of year for sending out Christmas cards and hopefully getting a few in return. I always enjoy running through my contacts list and thinking about the memories that I have shared with the people who made it there. I take the opportunity to update addresses and delete those who have died as well. Sadly this year I have had to eliminate far more names than I ever before recall having to do. By the time I reached the Ls I actually shed a few tears to think that so many of my cherished friends and relatives were gone. Removing their names and addresses and and phone numbers, one after another, was particularly difficult this time around because the precautions of the Covid era had separated us for such a long time. 

If found myself thinking of how nice it would have been to have one last conversation and hug with each person, all of whom had brought great joy into my life at different junctures. I thought of Bob, my long time next door neighbor, who worked in his yard each weekend just as I did. We would exchange dreams of having gardeners to do all of our tasks and then laughingly get back to work. Eventually we enjoyed meeting up for coffee and long chats after we both had retired from our jobs. 

I smiled when I remembered taking my precious pups to Jake. I trusted him to love and care for my dogs, and he never disappointed. He was also a friend with a pleasant and inviting personality that made him so easy to be around. His compassion for people and all God’s creatures will be missed by so many.

I loved my moments at work with Martha, and then later when we would meet regularly for lunch and lots of girl talk. She was a woman with a heart of gold and a determination of steel. She loved her family and much of our talk centered on the escapades of our children and grandchildren. I enjoyed her adventurous spirit that led her to travel, take up acting in community theater, and to teach immigrants how to speak and write and read English. 

That there was Bren, a brilliantly delightful woman with a touch of whimsy. Her sudden death shook me to my core. I still find it difficult to believe that she is no longer posting photos of her delightful seasonal decorations from her home on Marcy Street. I miss the notes that she sent and the impulsive phone calls in which we shared our thoughts. 

It was hard to believe that Jackie is also gone. She was one of the most elegant and eloquent women I have ever known. She always seemed like a big sister in many ways. I learned from her and sometimes even modeled myself after her. She was always kind and generous and infinitely wise.

My dear cousin DD has died as well. He was a giant of a man who endured decades of pain and suffering with the most pleasant demeanor. Conversations with him reminded me of those I had with my grandfather. He was a learned man who always seemed to impart knowledge and a joy of learning. 

Then there is my dear Aunt Valeria, a constant in my life, who is now with the angels because she herself was an angel. It’s the hardest to imagine a world without her. She was the one who so sweetly told me that my father had died. She spent her life taking care of my mother and me and my brothers. She had an unforgettable laugh and a wry sense of humor. Somehow it still has not become real to me that I will never see her again.

There is something so viscerally final about admitting that I do not need their contact information anymore. There is also a sense of regret that we did not communicate more often. I keep thinking of a friend whose son was murdered this year and the moving posts that he shares each day. His recurring theme is a sense of regret that he did not take even more time than he quite obviously did to walk and talk with his son. His hashtag has become “hug them until they let go.” 

I suppose that I find myself wondering if those who died this year really understood how much they had impacted my life. I know that I might have done better in conveying my feelings to them. I have a phone and I had their numbers. I wish I had called just to say hello but I let too much of the mundane business of life get in my way, even as I wrote blogs urging others to set aside time to reach out to friends and family members. 

Sending a Christmas card is a nice gesture, especially if it includes a brief message, but a short phone call is even better. Look at the contact list and ask if it’s been too long since talking with the people whose names and numbers are right there in front of you. Maybe a quick call will brighten some person’s day just as Bren so often did for me. 

Even if there are miles between you and so little time that you feel yourself rushing around, take a moment once a week during the coming year to return to that Christmas card list and reach out. Tell people what they mean to you. Make that list of people a source of joy, not regret.