Author: Sharron Burnett

We had an hours long conversation via Zoom. We spoke of parenting and how we had done our best but often worried that somehow we had made mistakes along the way. I suppose that all moms and dads remember moments when they might have done better. We long to help mold our young into healthy happy individuals but know that sometime we may have missed the mark at a critical juncture. Nonetheless if we have mostly been wise and loving our children will become the kind of adults that we wish to send out into the world. Being a parent is the most important and underrated job that we will ever do. It is trying and rewarding beyond measure, a source of worry and intense joy. 

For every parent the day comes when our children leave the nest and begin life’s journey on their own. We pray that we have given them the tools that they will need to face a demanding and ever changing world. We hope that they will survive even when life rocks them and knocks them to the ground. We ask ourselves what advice we would give them if we had the opportunity to write a single phrase of guidance on a tiny slip of paper that they would forever carry in their pockets. What should they remember to do in any circumstance? 

As I pondered this idea a host of ideas ran through my mind. I saw the word “persist,” a simple but important idea for moving forward through the trials and tribulations that are every human’s fate. Life can tempt us to give in and give up when things become difficult. If we refuse to be victimized by the ups and downs that will surely come our way we will endure time and again. Persistence is important but somehow it does not seem to be sufficient for living a good life. 

We have all come upon a time when everything that we understood and believed was challenged in ways that all the determination in the world could not overcome. We realized that we hand to bend a bit or break entirely. In my own life there were moments of great change that required me to be open to new ways of living, the death of my father, my mother’s mental illness, the challenges of our current pandemic. These things required that I “be flexible.” Perhaps this is the real key to a good life. We have to know when we must adjust, not in a sense of defeat, but for the sake of living in a non static world. 

Still, persisting in times of challenge, knowing when and how to be flexible while worthy ideas seemed not nearly enough advice for living a purpose driven and happy life. That’s when it came to me what I should write on that tiny slip of paper. The only words that seem to make sense in any situation are “be kind.” Perhaps in truth this can be one of the most difficult roads to travel because in so many instances people around us do not reciprocate the goodness that we may strive to spread. 

I suppose that being nice is often viewed as being a sacrificial lamb when the true essence of kindness requires great courage and conviction. Nice people are often misunderstood, thought to be weak and unable to lead. They are sometimes bullied and pushed aside by angry disturbed individuals but history has shown us time and again that in the long haul the good guys are the winners if anyone is keeping score. They quietly stand up for what is right and just in every aspect of their daily lives. We do not always hear about such souls but when we know one we understand the joy and comfort that they spread far beyond their own needs. They are happy confident people who understand that love should be at the center of every decision that they make. 

Life may be hard for someone intent on being kind but overriding any pain inflicted on them is a sense that they have discovered the secret to life. Literature and history is filled with stories of such individuals and family lore tells of that special person who was dedicated to spreading kindness wherever he or she went. We admire such people and long to be like them, wondering how we might also be so wonderful. The truth is that we all we need to keep reminding ourselves to be kind even when being so means standing up for others all alone. 

Turning the other cheek never meant that we have to be the pawns of dark forces. We do not have to answer insult with insult, violence with violence, hate with hate to be strong. Demonstrating a kinder gentler way of dealing with problems and problem people is far more heroic than bellowing insults and threats. 

I often think that the people that I have most admired have all shared kindness as their primary characteristic. They also seemed to be the most content with life. Their success was not measured so much in wealth or even power but in the level of admiration that people had for them. 

My Uncle William was a humble man but his goodness was extraordinary. So too was a neighbor of ours, Mr. Barry, who many joked was a living saint. My mother had a life more challenging than most ever endure but people still remember her smile, her soft and soothing voice and her generosity of spirit. Being kind is a reward in itself so I suppose that what I really want to write on that slip of paper that my children and grandchildren will carry in their pockets all of their days is “Be kind!” Surely if they follow that advice happiness will follow them wherever they choose to go.

I sat across from a friend from high school and he confessed that learning mathematics had been beyond his capabilities. He spoke of how different his life might have been if only he had been able to grasp the meaning of all of the numbers and theorems in Algebra and Geometry. It hurt my heart to hear the pain in his voice and I told him that perhaps the fault was not all his. Sometimes a gifted teacher is able to reach even the students who struggle with concepts. I witnessed outstanding math teachers who literally changed the trajectory of certain students’ lives with patience and a knack for explaining things in meaningful ways. 

I admitted to my friend that I had suffered for most of my life from a complex that came from feeling like a klutz when it came to athletics. I was the kid who was always chosen last for teams of any sort. I’d get so nervous whenever it was my turn to catch a ball or jump over a hurdle that I literally wished I might suddenly become invisible. My experience with sports taught me how horrible it feels to be viewed as being inept. It destroyed my self esteem in unimaginable ways. 

I remember becoming more adult about my childhood sports phobia and volunteering to join a volleyball team made up of friends and neighbors. I was honest about my lack of great skills but the others assured me that we would be playing for fun and relaxation and that I should not worry about my lack of talent. They wanted me to be part of the group and I thought that maybe I might actually begin to learn how to respond when I had to field the ball. It sounded like a win-win situation for everyone.

In the very first game the opposing team saw my weaknesses and used them against my team. Whenever possible they sent the ball my way and after several misses on my part I became a nervous wreck. Before long a couple of the people on my team were yelling at me and asking out loud whose idea it had been to recruit me. It took every inch of my willpower to keep from dissolving into tears. I smiled and joked but inside I was dying. I once again felt like that child whose peers groaned whenever I was placed on their team. At the end of the game I announced that I would not be able to continue with the remainder of the schedule to the obvious relief of most of the people who had invited me to join them in having some fun.

It was not until I encountered a gifted teacher that I learned that the real reason for my lack of athletic acumen was the fact that nobody had ever bothered to show me how to perform the maneuvers required by the various sports. A professor of physical education with a PhD. in that field took me aside and asked if I had ever received any kind of instruction from anyone. My answer was that not only had I never been shown what to do, but I had also been ridiculed for my lack of natural talent. 

He invited me to stay after class and get private tutoring. He showed me how to place my feet. Where to focus my eyes. When to move my arms. Before long I was dunking the basketball with almost one hundred percent precision. I caught and threw a football like a pro. I was able to make contact with my bat and send a baseball flying into the outfield. It was exhilarating to prove that there was not something innately wrong with me. My sense of self worth increased a hundred-fold. 

We all too often expect individuals to learn things on their own. We tell our youngsters to work hard without providing them the tools that they need to do so. When they fail to perform to our standards instead of attempting to find out why it is so we make them feel so small that eventually they simply give up and believe that they are defective. We forget that we all learn at different rates just as babies reach milestones at different ages. There is no lockstep way of doing things that works for everyone. 

My own failures with sports taught me to be patient with students who struggled with mathematics. I would spend hours analyzing their errors and determining what seemed to be giving them trouble. Like my professor I offered one on one tutoring sessions and did my best to make them feel comfortable with taking risks in the process of learning. I did not want anyone to feel that horrific sense of failure. I even understood that sometimes those who avoided doing the work were doing so out of fear of being ridiculed like I was. 

There is a saying that all children can learn which I find to be a bit inadequate. The truth is that everyone can learn but not at the same rate. Sometimes we take a bit longer than what is deemed to be normal and often we demonstrate more talent with some things than with others. The important thing is for each of us to understand that good instruction and practice can help us to reach goals that we once thought impossible. 

I’ll never be known as a gifted athlete but I at least regained my self esteem because of the wonderful man who saw my pain and did something to ease it. Instead of always testing and ranking our young our only goal should be to help them to learn in a way that works best for them and brings out their abilities. The greatest gift we might give them is the gift of confidence. We do that by providing them with the instruction and support that we all need.  

As we were lying in bed about to go to sleep one night I asked my husband which celebrity he would want to invite to dinner if we had the opportunity to meet a famous person up close and personal. He asked me whom I would pick but I teased him and asked him to go first even though I had a name in mind that I thought he would never consider. I suppose that after fifty one years of wedded bliss I should not have been surprised when he immediately suggested that we should ask Bill Gates to come to our abode because that is exactly the person that I had wanted to be our guest. We both laughed but understood without words why we might like having Mr. Gates join us for an evening of conversation. Mike’s only caveat was that if his possibilities included bringing someone who was dead back to life for one night he would instead want to visit with Abraham Lincoln.

I suppose that for some choosing Bill Gates as our dinner guest might seem somewhat strange. He’s not a hunk of burning love like some actor or singer might be. He’s not particularly funny and entertaining. In fact, he rather professorial in his demeanor and when he speaks he always appears to be thinking about multiple ideas at once. We both agree that we are less interested in his wealth and how he accumulated it and more excited about the many  projects that his money supports. He is indeed a most interesting man.

I once had the opportunity to meet Bill Gates and his wife in a small group setting. He came to visit a charter high school where I was the Dean of Faculty. He came with his wife and they were both so humble in appearance and demeanor that if I had seem them walking in a crowd I would never have viewed them as being of any great importance. Their clothing was casual and they were rather soft spoken, but they measured their words and focused on learning about our students and their needs. 

After a short tour of the facilities guided by the head of the KIPP Charter Schools we took Mr. Gates and his spouse to a classroom where a group of students were studying chemistry. Bill took command of the situation by introducing himself and telling the young teens that he wanted to know what they needed from adults to be properly educated and prepared for life. He made it so clear that he was truly interested in what the students had to say that they opened up with great honesty, identifying what they believed to be right about education and what was wrong. He was not taking notes but it was apparent that he was carefully filing away the information that he heard. His comments and queries were perfect for collecting the kind of meaningful information that he needed

A few years later I listened to Bill Gates and his wife speak at a Stanford University graduation. They challenged the graduates to find purpose in their lives beyond making money. Bill and Melinda urged them to use their intellects for the good of people who do not have the opportunities that had been granted to them. He spoke of his own journey from only wanting to become rich and powerful to the sea change in his view of success that occurred when he met his wife, an extraordinarily compassionate woman. 

Bill Gates is one of the wealthiest humans on the planet and his riches are unimaginable to someone like me but what I really want to discuss are the many humanitarian projects that he and his wife Melinda have launched all over the world. The two of them have attempted to maintain a sense of normalcy and thrift with their three children, talking of how they cook together and do the dishes as a family each evening. While they live in a million dollar home they have given away billions to philanthropic causes from education to medicine in remote and often forgotten places.

When Bill Gates takes on a project things actually happen. I learned from that brief meeting in a classroom years ago that he wants to be certain that funding is being used in the right places for the right reasons. He carefully gathers information from all stakeholders that he analyzes before providing the necessary resources for success. He is a truly thoughtful and compassionate man and I would like very much to learn about the people, places and causes that he has undertaken. I want to delve into his knowledge and learn what I might do with my own far more limited resources. 

I believe that each person has an important role to play in making the world a more humane and just place. Some like Bill Gates have the capability to bring about sweeping improvements while most of us accomplish such things in small doses. I would like spend an evening over dinner just picking his brain. I imagine washing the dishes together and then retiring to our great room where I might be able to learn from a master. I think it would be rather grand and, if she’s willing to come, I would greatly enjoy hearing from his remarkable wife Melinda as well. I have always suspected that she is the true influence in his life. 

Some people are larger than life and yet still very human. Bill Gates is one of those souls and I truly hope that he will accept my humble invitation for a bit of repast and stimulating conversation. 

Should auld acquaintance be forgot

And never brought to mind?

Should auld acquaintance be forgot

And days of auld lang syne?

For auld lang syne, my dear

For auld lang syne

We’ll tak a cup o’ kindness yet

For days of auld lang syne

                  —-Robert Burns

At the stroke of midnight we said goodbye to 2020 and celebrated the possibilities of our new year of 2021. We had little idea as we followed our rituals last January 1, what challenges we would face in the coming months. I spent December 31, 2019, dining at Nino’s Italian restaurant with my husband, a tradition we have followed for many years. We lifted a toast to Mike’s old boss, Claude Andler who had introduced us the the place many years before. We talked of Pat and Bill Weimer with whom we had celebrated New Year’s Eve for decades. We spoke to the owner of the eatery who was in a festive mood as the tables filled with happy people looking forward to the future. We did not know then that our host for that evening would become a victim of Covid-19. We had no idea how much the world would soon change.

Later that evening we attended a party in the home of neighbors who had only recently moved to Texas from Long Island. It was a celebration of the decades with music from all the way back in the fifties. At the stroke of midnight we hugged and kissed and delighted in our good fortune and the promise of the days ahead. 

We went to mass at Mary Queen Catholic Church where we joyfully distributed communion to our fellow parishioners and praised God for His goodness. We continued our celebration with a lunch with my eldest daughter, Maryellen, and her family enjoying steaming bowls of of split pea soup, a tradition handed down to my mother-in-law from her mother and grandmother who had once lived in northern England just a stone’s throw from Scotland where Bobby Burns had written his iconic poem of old times with good friends. 

According to Mike his grandmother always became emotional whenever she heard Auld Lang Syne because when she was leaving her homeland for America as a child there was a band playing the tune in farewell. From that day forward the ditty reminded her of people and places that she would never again see, memories both beautiful and reminders of loss. 

I suppose that this New Year’s Day is very different for each of us from what it has traditionally been in the past. Hardly a person on this earth has not lost someone special this year or even witnessed a change of lifestyle brought on by the challenges of illness and economic chaos. We miss our rituals and the people with whom we usually enjoy them. Like Mike’s grandmother we look forward to new promises while grieving for the past and the people who were part of them. We know not what the coming days and weeks will bring but we lift a cup of cheer for old times’ sake in the hopes that surely things will somehow get better. 

My wish for everyone is that we move forward with optimism and kindness as we begin 2021. Let’s work together to make it one heck of a wonderful year regardless of the obstacles we may encounter. 

Happy New Year, 2021! May it be a time to heal, rebuild and come back together with kindness and love.

As we near the end of this extraordinary year there is light and hope. In spite of the horrors that seemed to define 2020 we learned that there is a strong core of humans on this planet who faced the challenges of the last twelve months and adjusted to meet them. We have been shown the glory of our minds and their ability to identify problems and solve them. We have witnessed worldwide sacrifice on a scale perhaps not seen since the tragic years of World War II. We were challenged to assert our obligations to one another and there was an outpouring of response that encircled the globe. We witnessed profiles in courage that left us in awe. We saw love win many times over. 

I would be remiss if I were to pretend that people on this earth acted universally with good will during the challenges and tragedies of this past year. We are after all only human and sometimes our fears and our beliefs lead us in questionable directions. We have been quite divided this year as to which were the right pathways to follow. We definitely chose sides convinced that the others who did not think like us were wrong at every turn. Perhaps it will take the distance of hindsight to be able to unravel the decisions that were right from those that were disastrous, but certain individuals, groups, and movements seemed to keep us hopeful that the coming year of 2021 will be a year of healing and love in our tattered world. 

• Perhaps no other group epitomizes the astounding goodness of humankind during this pandemic than the healthcare workers across the globe. Doctors, Physicians Assistants, nurses, aides, technicians,  maintenance crews and hosts of heroes have labored for long and stressful hours, days, weeks, months without respite. Many died in the process of caring for the sick who came to them. They carried on with their work even as far too many among us questioned their advice and intentions. They have been angels among us who have earned our respect and gratitude.
• There are nameless, faceless men and women with brilliant minds who unlocked the secrets of Covid-19 and developed vaccines that may soon free us all from worry and allow us to once again embrace the world and each other. Surely this remarkable feat demonstrates that science and ingenuity have the power to solve even the most frightening problems. These are the geniuses of our era whose work is as life changing as that of Galileo and Pasteur. They deserve our honor.
• It required great faith and astounding courage to be one of the many individuals who agreed to test the vaccines inside their own bodies. They became the willing guinea pigs who took enormous leaps into the unknown in an effort to find a way to hopefully one day eliminate the scourge of Covid-19. They demonstrated the adventurous spirit that has defined humans from the beginnings of history and theirs is as important a contribution to progress as those test pilots who made it possible to reach the moon.
• Speaking out against injustice has always been risky business. There is danger in pointing to societal problems. We humans tend to prefer calm and quiet and sticking with whatever has been the status quo. The brave men and women who protested the inequities of our justice system during the spring and summer were often misunderstood but their moral certainty that we must have change was as important for embracing the ideals of our country as the Declaration of Independence that began our grand but imperfect democratic journey long ago. As with any human attempt to draw attention to human rights there were some ugly moments, but viewed on the whole their efforts created a magnificent awakening that will hopefully lead to important and long needed change. They are the new patriots who will lead our country to a better and kinder version of itself. 
• Ordinary men and women in every walk of life were innovative, flexible willing to adapt to necessary changes in the way we live and work. They set up offices and classrooms in their homes. They entertained themselves away from crowds. They donned masks out of respect for the health of others. They sent donations of money and food and personal items to those who have been devastated by the disruptions brought about by Covid-19. They reached out to those most vulnerable to the virus and kept them feeling safe and loved. They adjusted to every need without complaint reprising the kind of sacrifice that our grandparents and great grandparents endured during the Great Depression and the two world wars of the twentieth century. They are the everyday unsung heroes of the pandemic.
• Our system of government weathered the storm of political strive. Not since the days of Franklin Delano Roosevelt have so many made their choices known in an election. Some braved the polling places and others like me sent their votes by mail to help prevent the spread of contagion. In the final analysis we the people made our voices heard and when attempts were made to defile our system brave individuals stood firm in defending our votes. The members of the Supreme Court followed the law, not political leanings and the process worked the way our Founding Fathers had hoped it would. This was a glorious moment for every American regardless of party or political leanings. Things did not fall apart. The center held. 

So as we approach a new year I am filled with optimism for all of humankind. I understand that there are still many hardships and challenges ahead but as people we have proven our mettle even though it was sometimes hidden in a war of words and disagreements. True moral character seems to have won the day in spite of attempts to derail it. We may hobble along but we are still moving forward. Hopefully a year of healing and love lies ahead. We have the people we need to insure that it happens.