Sharron Burnett

Take Another Shot

Published on July 21, 2017July 21, 2017 by Sharron BurnettLeave a comment

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I have a habit of watching Dr. Phil on OWN while eating my lunch. I am quite interested in the quirkiness of human nature and so I find his program to be informative and enjoyable. Recently it featured a father who was attempting to reach out to his estranged children. The man had admittedly done some horrible things to his kids in the past, but he had reached the point of wanting to repair his relationship with them. Most of his children were willing to give him a second chance, but one of the daughters indicated that she would never be able to get over his angry words to her in a letter that he once sent. Dr. Phil argued that there was no way to change the past, and that the only means of moving forward would be to start with a clean slate devoid of recriminations.

This reminded me of a meme that I had seen on Facebook. It said that life is like a camera. We should focus on what is important, capture the good times when able and develop from the negatives. Ultimately we always have a chance to take another shot if we don’t like what we’ve seen of ourselves before.

As a teacher I often encountered students who wanted to just give up and run away from their problems. They had been so battered by disappointments and failure that they thought it impossible to ever find the success that they so desired. It became easier for them to just quit expending any kind of effort. Being the class clown or a withdrawn rebel felt more secure that risking the possibility of falling short again.

We see people who appear to be doing well and we all too often attribute their success to innate abilities, luck, wealth, privilege or other outside forces. If we took the time to really get to know them we would no doubt find that they work hard at improving themselves and their attitudes. As the KIPP Charter school mantra explains there are no shortcuts in life.

I particularly enjoy a Gatorade commercial that focuses on how some of the premier athletes overcame failure. Michael Jordan didn’t make the high school varsity basketball team so instead of just resigning himself to his fate he practiced and kept trying until he managed to prove that he was worthy. J. J. Watt was a football team walk-on whose penchant for hard work eventually made him a super star.

I know a young man who loves sports but is rather small for collegiate or professional teams. Still he wanted to be on the Rice University football team. When he approached the coach with a request to try out nobody thought that he had a chance. He was dwarfed by the other players even though he was muscular. He was just so incredibly short that it seemed that he would be of little practical use to the team. Nonetheless he was persistent and proved to both the team and the coach that he was serious. He began to train and practice with the group and had soon earned their full respect. He worked as hard and long as anyone and never requested any special favors. He was willing to take the same blows and critiques as his larger teammates. The coach soon realized that this athlete was incredibly special and gave him a shot.

The moral of all of these stories is that we always have time to change and find unique ways to fulfill our hopes and dreams. We really do have the power to transform and become better versions of ourselves. It is never too late to be what we want to be, but it will take effort and concentration.

We often sideline ourselves by being distracted by life events that are not all that important. As the meme suggests we must focus on what we really want to accomplish and understand that doing so will most assuredly take hard work and sacrifice. Very little in life comes easily for anyone, even those who appear to be floating effortlessly through every challenge. I have found that we don’t often see the blood, sweat and tears that those around us are expending. A perfect example came to me when I learned that several of my high school classmates had literally made themselves ill attempting to be outstanding students. I had assumed that they were simply way smarter than I was because they appeared to catch on to concepts so much more quickly than I did. I found out that they were working so hard that they stressed themselves into anxiety attacks and exhaustion. They had to learn how to balance their physical, emotional and intellectual pursuits just as I did.

We are often inclined to only recall the negative aspects of our daily routines. If something bad happens to us we forget the hours of delight that we enjoyed before we were beset with a negative experience. We all too often judge our lives based on what we don’t have rather than what we already possess. We forget to capture the good times and don’t always remind ourselves that our cares and woes are mostly just temporary.

Nobody among us is immune to mistakes. Every single person messes up at some time or another. We feel guilt and regret over our disasters when the correct response should be to learn from them and then move on. I have generally found that I became stronger from my failures than I might otherwise have been. They not only grounded me but also taught me important lessons. As long as we are able to grow from our misfortune, we will be able to put it behind us. If on the other hand we just dwell on the negativity and wallow in self pity we will be trapped in a state of sorrow and maybe even despair.

It’s humbling to find ourselves in situations in which we are struggling. We all want to feel good about ourselves and that is a difficult thing to do if we just can’t seem to get some task right. We worry that we are less than and our confidence takes a ding. The best among us know that this is the time to take another shot. They have learned that with determination and a willingness to keep trying they will eventually conquer even their gravest fears.

I love superheroes like Batman. He was filled with angst because of terrors from his childhood. In spite of being enormously wealthy he was unable to tap into the person that was trapped inside his soul. Not until he faced his demons and worked to overcome them was he able to release his full potential. It is like that for all of us. We have the power or the force if you will to accomplish incredible things if only we think of that camera and the many shots that we have to find our ultimate inner beauty.

Forgiveness

Published on July 20, 2017July 13, 2017 by Sharron BurnettLeave a comment

636218183085011754-1819095975_15a25241 I listened to a TED talk in which a man described what he would have done to Adolf Hitler if he had somehow had the opportunity to meet with him back during the height of the Fürher’s power. It was a violent depiction which even frightened the individual who was outlining it. He noted that he was a generally peace loving person, against gun ownership and war. He pointed out the human tendency to be vindictive and admitted that he was no better than anyone else when it came to that aspect of our natures. In truth we sometimes fantasize how to get even with those who have harmed us or others. We sentence murderers to death and consider it just to hang those who commit crimes against humanity. At the same time we question acts of forgiveness that seem to be unwarranted. We have great difficulty with the concept of mercy even though many of us purport to follow the Golden Rule.

I’ve been there myself. Even after many years I struggled to find compassion for a man who emotionally abused my mother when she was the most vulnerable. I despised his politics which bordered on white supremacy, but mostly what I hated about him was the fear that he used as a means of controlling my mom. To this day I wonder if he was a great part of the reason that my mama succumbed to the tragic symptoms of bipolar disorder. One of her psychiatrists once told me that if she had lived a less stressful life she might have been merely eccentric rather than psychotic. This man was a major contributor to her descent into madness. She tried over and over again to get away from him, but he manipulated her with tales of having contacts willing to get rid of anyone that he wanted gone forever. She was terrified of what might happen to her and to us if she crossed him. Ultimately she broke down completely one night while in his presence. It distressed him so much that he backed away from his threats. A nudge from my uncles completed his departure from our lives which was a welcome relief to me and my brothers. He is the only person that I has ever made me feel utterly hate-filled.

I have been thinking about such things because a cousin who is wise and loving recently posted an article about a man who believes that we need to forgive everyone for everything. That is a major but interesting challenge for all of us. I think that it is possible in most cases, including with regard to my mother’s nemesis, Nonetheless I have to ask if there are indeed times when forgiveness simply can’t be forthcoming, as in the instance of Adolf Hitler. Certainly his crimes were egregious enough that it would almost seem to be naive and foolhardy to even consider giving him a pass, and yet I wonder if there is a tiny bit of merit in the idea of forgiving all people at all times.

If I think carefully about the man that I have literally hated for decades I find myself understanding why he was like he was. He was one of three brothers and his siblings were incredibly successful men. He on the other hand never amounted to much other than being movie star handsome. His wife had died of cancer and he was raising two children on a rather meager and unstable income. His son was ultimately killed in a robbery gone awry and his life showed little promise of getting better. I think he actually loved my mother but did not know how to demonstrate his concern for her properly. His boasts and putdowns were meant to make him look better in her eyes, and he saw his jealousy as a way of demonstrating how much he cared. Sadly his way of doing things was foreign to us and he and my mother were a grotesque mismatch.

One of the things that happened when she had her first psychotic break was that she came home from the hospital for a weekend furlough and refused to return. I was beside myself because she was not out of the woods. She turned to him because she had lost her trust in me. To his credit he told her that the best way to get everyone off of her back was to cooperate with them. He was the one who talked her into going back for continued treatment. That certainly demonstrated a level of goodness in him that I had never before noticed. In other words he was not as fully evil as I had imagined. I ultimately found it in my heart to forgive him, but with the caveat that I did not want him to ever be around anyone in my family again. I think that while total absolution is a good thing there must sometime be restraints associated with it.

For the most part forgiveness has the potential of being a healing act for the person who finds it in his/her heart to set aside the anger and negativity that lurks in the soul. It is a powerful way of restoring calm and optimism. It does not however need to include association with the person or persons who inflicted the hurt. For example, I would never ask someone who had been betrayed in a relationship to return to that individual. In fact it would no doubt be harmful. Forgiveness does not mean submission.

I also think that there are indeed some actions that are so egregious that it is impossible to find forgiveness. In the case of Adolf Hitler I can’t imagine anyone being so magnanimous as to absolve his sins against humanity other than God Himself. Still, I would rather see him rot in prison that to inflict bodily harm. In fact, I think that putting him away in chains forever would have been a fitting punishment had he not chosen the cowardly act of suicide. Then again perhaps he did us all a favor by taking care of the problem for us.

Most of us will be faced with minor inflictions of hurt against us. Only the individual who has been betrayed will be able to decide if he/she is able to harbor no malice against the person who has produced the pain. It may take time for the wounds to heal as in my own case with the man who had brought so much fear into my mother’s life. Like my situation a pardon may ultimately be a somewhat selfish act designed to eliminate the poison of loathing that so pollutes the heart and that is okay.

Forgiveness demonstrates the ultimate act of love. Jesus absolved the thief while he was dying on the cross, but he did so only after the sinful man truly and deeply uttered his contrition. We are told that the other man who was being crucified with them was not willing to show that he was sorry and thus did not receive the same favor. I suspect the Jesus, the teacher, wanted us to know that while it is noble and just to exonerate those who have come to see the error of their ways, it is not necessary to be magnanimous with anyone who remains dedicated to evil.

I think that the world would indeed be a better place if we truly learned to be more loving and forgiving. We often hold onto grudges and anger long after it is healthy to do so. Reaching out to one another and understanding that we all make terrible mistakes is something that we should all strive to do. In the end the vast majority of people are good even if misguided. Our goal should always been to bring out the best in everyone that we encounter and to love them and welcome them into our world until they prove to be harmful. Then I think that even Jesus Himself would encourage us to walk away.

Woke Up This Morning

Published on July 19, 2017July 12, 2017 by Sharron BurnettLeave a comment

sunrise-sky-blue-sunlight-67832 I woke up this morning. Isn’t that grand? I know that it sounds rather ordinary but there is a certain mystery and beauty about the act of sleeping and then rising at the end of our dreams. It demonstrates a total sense of trust because in truth we are very vulnerable when we are snoozing, and yet in my country we mostly have the privilege of following the rhythm of life for all of our days without worry or harm.

Some of us have insomnia from time to time. Mine comes and goes often with the seasons, the stresses in my life or the amount of caffeine that I have consumed during the course of a day. I’ve learned certain tricks to keep the sleepless nights from becoming habitual, but in truth I simply don’t doze as much as I once did. My days grow longer as a result, and I always find ways to enjoy them like watching the hummingbird in my backyard flit from one plant to another. He’s a cute little thing who’s so quick that you have to really concentrate to catch him performing his antics. He’s mostly around when the bigger birds are busy with whatever it is that they do in the middle of the day. When they return to dominate, my hummingbird takes shelter in some hidden corner of the garden.

When an EMT was rushing my husband to the hospital recently he spoke of the sleep disturbances that firefighters continuously endure. He noted that he had been out on four different runs the night before. He explained that the body begins to react to the constant interruptions of slumber. He reasoned that he would one day need a desk job so that he would be able to enjoy more regular habits. He asserted that fighting fires and driving ambulances is a young man’s game that becomes more and more difficult over time.

I’ve often heard that doctors who are continuously awakened by emergency phone calls from patients generally live a bit less longer than the rest of us. They indeed learn early in their training to exist on far less sleep than everyone else, but it has a negative effect on their overall health. We don’t often stop to think about that when we make those middle of the night requests for their services. I understand that much of the time now patients are told to go to an emergency room or a group of doctors work together to create schedules that only require nighttime vigilance now and again to prevent those constant interruptions. I suppose that they have finally quite wisely decided to do something about the dangers of getting too little sleep.

We humans have been wary of the dark since the beginning of time. Things go bump in the night. Surrendering ourselves to a state of oblivion is necessary for our health but can also be frightening. There are indeed times when we sense the danger in doing so.

I once spoke with a young man whose family was trapped by the high waters that resulted from the collapse of the levees in New Orleans and surrounding areas in the wake of hurricane Katrina. He and his parents somehow managed to get to the top of a freeway overpass. He said that other people were there as well. They took turns sleeping because gators were lurking around not to mention other people with devious intent. He recounted how difficult it was to relax enough to finally reach a state of slumber. He said that he was exhausted but unable to surrender for fear of what might happen when he became unconscious. In many ways falling asleep is the ultimate show of confidence because we just don’t know what will occur while we are out.

I am reminded over and over again of the shock that I felt upon learning that a friend’s husband had died in his sleep. When he failed to get up long after his usual time for rising, she went to check on him and realized that he was not breathing. There had been no signs that something was wrong, no warning of the impending tragedy. While it was definitely a very peaceful way of going, it actually haunted me for a quite some time and reminded me of something that my mother had always done.

She had made a habit of telling me and my brothers how much she loved us before she went to sleep each night. If we had exchanged cross words during the day she apologized whether it had been her fault or not. She insisted that loving words should be the last ones we ever heard, and she followed that way of doing things until the end of her own life. I suspect that she sometimes wished that she had been able to tell my father just how she loved him before he died in his terrible car crash. She learned from that horrible time that we can’t take anything for granted, not even that we will see each other when the sun rises at the start of a new day.

Since my husband’s stroke the happiest part of my mornings comes when he opens his eyes and walks downstairs with a big smile and a greeting. My heart literally fluters with gratitude that both of us are still here and my prayer is that we will be for many days to come. Still I’ve made it a habit of late to do as my mom taught me and express the gratitude and affection that I feel for the people who walk with me in this life.

Our rest revitalizes us and prepares us for the work to come. It should also be a time when we close our eyes confident that we love and are loved, that we forgive and are forgiven. We should celebrate the miracle of each new day that we are allowed to see. There is so much beauty in the people and the world around us. All we need do is open our eyes and soak it all in.

The Long Run

Published on July 18, 2017July 12, 2017 by Sharron BurnettLeave a comment

120601_SN_runnersEX.jpg.CROP.rectangle3-large We live in a society of almost instant gratification. If we want a pizza we only have to make a phone call, send a text, or pull one out of the freezer. There are hundreds of television channels at our fingertips offering virtually any kind of viewing pleasure that we may seek. We receive almost instantaneous new alerts on our phones and have the power of capturing memories in photos with the click of those same technological wonders. While we accomplish other tasks we have machines that wash and dry our clothes, vacuum our floors and water our lawns. If we live in a smart home we don’t even have to walk to a light switch to illuminate our rooms, adjust the temperatures or show us who is knocking at our doors. Waiting is becoming more and more of a lost art in our daily lives and yet there are still remnants of frustratingly slow processes and situations that demand our patience.

I have to confess that I have never been particularly good at waiting. I possess a bonafide type A personality which makes me a control freak of the ultimate variety. In facing the realities of living I have had to learn how to curb my anxious and perfectionist tendencies and slow down my expectations for myself and others. Life does indeed march at its own pace whether or not I wish to move it along more swiftly. This truth becomes all too apparent in so many situations.

Like most people I was anxious to grow up and get on with life back when I was a young woman. I had a love/hate relationship with school. I actually enjoyed the classes that broadened my knowledge but desperately wanted to reach an endpoint. There were moments when earning a degree seemed so far away. I was exhausted from studying and so desirous of finishing, and yet it felt as though I wasn’t inching any closer than I had been before. I had to force myself to keep my eye on the prize because if I had followed the urges that often crept into my brain I would surely have chucked the whole thing.

The same has been true of so many life events. Illnesses have to run their courses. Finding a life partner is not something to be rushed. Climbing the ranks in a career takes as much patience as persistence. In fact most of our journeys are riddled with stops and detours that force us to slow down and dig deeply into our psyches for the strength to stay focused when we are not making a great deal of progress.

It is said that children who are willing to delay gratification are the most likely to be successful as adults. A famous psychological experiment gave little ones the choice of getting one marshmallow immediately or a whole bag if they were able to wait for an unspecified later time. The children who chose to forego the small treat for the larger one demonstrated the same self possession and fortitude as adults. To this day graduates of Stanford University traditionally toss marshmallows into the air to signify their ability to stay the course of hard work and study in pursuit of a reward far more significant than the temptations that might have drawn them from completing their educations.

It’s not that easy to teach our children how to develop patience but it is worth our efforts to do so. We can begin my modeling the behaviors that will help them whenever opportunities present themselves. We should show them how to set goals, perhaps beginning with those that may be accomplished in a relatively short time, and slowly but surely move the bar higher and higher until they are able to look far into the future and plan for the big dreams that they wish to pursue.

The same should be true of how to use money. I am as guilty as anyone of going for the quick fix of instant satisfaction. Instead we should train both ourselves and our children to create budgets and stay within them. We might help them to create categories for saving and spending and show them how to keep track of the ebb and flow of money. It is a lifeskill that will serve them well if they learn it when they are young. Far too many people enter adulthood without any conception of financial planning. Sadly most individuals end their work years without either savings or investments upon which to draw in emergencies.

I still lose my cool when I’m in a traffic jam even though I know full well that there is nothing I might do to change the situation. I despise the long waits in hospitals and doctors offices, wanting answers now rather than later. I grow weary of waiting for my plants to bloom again after a long and brutal winter. If I don’t lose weight in a week during which I have kept to a healthy diet I am all too tempted to just chuck my efforts and eat a huge piece of chocolate cake. Even as I tell myself that the world reveals all that I need to know at its own pace, my leg moves up and down with impatience. Being calm while carrying on is an art that must be reviewed and practiced again and again. Patience is a glorious virtue that we never seem to value as much as we should. Perhaps now more than ever in a world that sometimes appears to have gone mad it is the one trait that well serve us best of all.

So set your goals, pursue them and then find a quiet place in your soul where you may retreat when your anxieties tempt you to lose focus. Life really is a long run that requires endurance and a willingness to work through stress and pain. Those who learn how to stay in the marathon will ultimately win the race.

We Don’t Have To Be Who We Are

Published on July 17, 2017July 11, 2017 by Sharron BurnettLeave a comment

dnadoublehelix2 I once took a psychology class that focused on reviewing the history of learning theories. The professor pointed out that our knowledge of the brain and how it works is less complete than say what we know about the heart. This is because for most of history the brain was considered to be an almost sacred vessel, the repository of the mind and the center of spirituality. For this reason it was considered sacrilege to invade the space in which it resides, even in terms of merely discussing it.

At the end of the nineteenth century pioneers in the study of how we think began to posit theories and perform experiments. Many of these men and women were seen as societal pariahs with ghastly and ghoulish ideas. Their work was often marginalized and misunderstood. Luckily they had the courage to continue their research and build a foundation of knowledge upon which much of what we know about the brain today is based.

The brain is perhaps the most interesting aspect of our human bodies. We are still learning how it works. We have yet to become as expert at repairing malfunctions of our brains as well as we do with our other organs. We are hundreds of years behind in our understanding of how it operates, but we have indeed made great strides in unlocking so many of its secrets. Those who spend their days in research and medicine take us closer and closer to the time when we may be able to fix even the most delicate problems.

The twentieth century heralded a kind of scientific renaissance. Not only did we conquer gravity and successfully fly above the ground and into the heavens, but we increased our knowledge about our own bodies and what makes the remarkable machine that resides inside each of us operate. Part of those studies lead to questions of just how much each of us is affected by nature versus nurture.

What we have learned thus far is that each person carries a specific set of DNA that defines much of our physicality and even affects our intelligence. Once we are born with certain traits it is up to first our parents and later ourselves to determine how we will use the basic aspects of our chemical and biological makeup. We can’t change the color of our eyes unless we mask them with colored contacts, but we are able to either enhance or retard other aspects of who we are with our upbringing and the choices that we ultimately make as adults.

We know for example that we may carry a propensity for obesity but if our parents feed us healthy diets and encourage us to exercise regularly we may enter adulthood with a foundation for maintaining a lifestyle that will keep us fit. If on the other hand indulgent parents fill our bellies with sugary treats and allow us to sit in front of gaming units for hours every day it is more likely that the gene that makes us obese will take the lead. In other words we are not necessarily bound to the fate of all aspects of our genetic makeup. There are things that we have the power to control if we are willing.

As we learn more and more about our own personal DNA we have the powerful capability of improving or even overriding certain tendencies that lurk inside our bodies. If we bear a marker that tells us that we may be prone to heart disease we may start early eating a cardiac friendly diet and exercising to make that muscle that is the engine of our bodies stronger. We don’t necessarily have to be victimized by the reality that we carry signs of pending trouble. We can be proactive in preventing the very disease that threatens us.

I am fascinated that DNA is even able to determine which of us are related to one another. I have found a host of cousins that I never knew existed just by testing my own DNA. There is something rather powerful and mysterious about the double helix that is the essence of our lives, but it is also rather liberating to know that we often have the power to change our physical destinies with our own choices and actions.

I don’t think that we use the power of our knowledge nearly enough. We all too often operate as though we are still as ignorant about our makeup as we were hundreds of years ago. We make studies of health and nutrition come across as so dry and boring that our young have little interest in such things when in reality the information is fascinating and has the potential of radically altering their lives for the better.

One of my mother’s all time favorite high school classes was homemaking. In today’s world such an elective would no doubt be viewed as not only having little value but even as being a bit insulting to women. Ironically my mom was constantly quoting her teacher and speaking of the things that she learned from her. She had a keen sense of nutrition and how to create a healthy and safe environment in our home. She used the information that she had learned in highly practical and useful ways. The class was deemed important by her in guiding her daily life even as she grew into her old age.

We miss the mark with our students today. Our health classes are riddled with definitions and rules that do little to inspire. Perhaps we should instead be showing them how to cook healthy meals and which forms of exercise work best. Our quest for creating more scientists and mathematicians is a worthy one but we would do even better if we were to also emphasize and encourage healthy lifestyles, not with lectures but by demonstrating how to be kind to our bodies. We have sadly regressed in this regard.

I recall watching a program many years ago in which a particular tribe of native Americans were found to have a disproportionately high incidence of diabetes. Groups of researchers descended on the area in hopes of learning why this was happening. What they found was that the people ate enormous amounts of fast food and led sedentary lives. More importantly, the scientists did a study of the history of the tribe. They saw that these were people whose ancestors had been runners who traveled everywhere on foot at rapid speeds. They had even held an annual contest to determine champions able to navigate long distances over rough terrain in record time. Their genetic structures showed that they needed this kind of physical activity to keep from succumbing to the symptoms of diabetes. The scientists built fitness centers for the entire population and sent personal trainers and nutritionists to help the citizens change their habits. Within a year the incidence of diabetes had fallen to levels below the national average in most cases without the use of medications.

We owe it to ourselves to use the remarkable genetic information that is available to us to improve our lives and those of our children. To ignore the warning signs that lie inside our bodies is foolish. It’s time that we all became both aware and active in the care and feeding of the bodies that affect us for good or ill. Let’s choose good.